This time around I want it to make it real.
I want to take the risk.
I don't care if I'll get hurt in the end.
I don't care if I'll look like a fool.

Is this really what I want?
I am still not sure.
All I know is right now, I don't want it to end.

What Do I really Want?

I'm on a phase of my life right now wherein I am searching for what I really want.  If whether to choose the safe side or take the risk and accept new challenges that would come into my life.  I have already taken several steps but I am afraid and confused whether to continue walking or to get back.  I am afraid if I continue walking I will just discover that at the end of the road, it is just a cold and dark place.  But I really want to continue, but will the people would like what I am about to do?  Think... Think... Think...   

Romeo, Juliet and Paris

• Can Juliet possibly like both Romeo and Paris?  If not, then why did Juliet chose Romeo instead of Paris?
  

• How did Elizabeth Barrett Browning knew how much she love the guy to whom she dedicates the poem entitled "How Much Do I Love Thee"?  

• Is liking somebody just an imaginary feeling that will just go away anytime?

• Why is it that we usually like someone that people would likely think who is not right for us?

• Is "Happy Ever After" just a myth?
  

I really want to know the answers of those questions.  But even if I can get the answers to those questions I know, I would still continue to wonder.

Surprise...Surprise...

Yesterday, while Jill, Cocoy and Kring2x and i where having a snack in RD, Jaydee suddenly texted me if of my whereabouts and if what time I am going to be out in the office.  I told him that I'll be out at around 6:30PM.  I jokingly asked why he was asking me and whether he was planning to fetch me.  He answered "Pwede bhe?".  Again, I jokingly answered him with a yes and told him that I am really expecting for him to fetch me.  He replied back that he will be waiting on our meeting place in Ayala by 6:30.  I just jokingly replied him with "Ok, I'll be there.  See you."

As usual we spent an hour again at RD, chatting and eating.  I was always looking at my phone, taking note of the tome because Ralf was waiting for me downstairs for the audit.  it was already 5:45 when we left at RD and at the back of my mind was, if Ralf will take too long to audit my project I  won't get to Ayala by 6:30.  (I was really hoping bhe2x would be there.  Hahaha!)  In the middle of our audit, my phone rang, and it was bhe2x.  When I answered it, he was asking me if where I am already, that he was already in Ayala waiting.  I still had doubts at that time.  Jill and Ralf where already teasing me because the excitement that I felt at that time was so obvious.  Hehehe!

At the strike of 6:30, Ralf and I were already done with the audit so I imeediately turned off my PC and rush to Ayala.  While waiting for the elevator, Weng arrived and I told him that Jaydee texted me and called me that he was in Ayala.  And I told her about my doubts of whether Jaydee was really waiting for me there or not.  Hehehe!  When we already arrived in Ayala, I was really so excited and so kilig.  Hahahaha! (So HIgh School... Hahahaha!)  When I ascended on the escalator, I searched for him immediately, and there he was, sitting at the end on one of the benches.  I was all smiles and I run to him like a little kid. Hahaha!  I did not care whether the other people sitting on the benches where staring at me.  All I care was bhe2x was there.  So kilig.  Hahahaha!

I was really so happy yesterday.  It was one of the most kilig actions that bhe2x did.  Hehehehe!

 

Out of your League

Today is Jeco's first day of school so they just have to go to school in the morning.  When he went home, he watched the movie "Out of my League" (if I'm not mistaken') on HBO.  When I went down to eat my lunch, she then asked me if Jaydee and mine's love story is like the one on the movie.  I didn't get what he meant immediately so he explained that the guy on the movie is so out of the girl's league.  The girl was rich, pretty and hot while on the other hand, the guy is a geek.  I jokingly answered him with a yes and laughed.  But deep inside, I thought, in love, should the two people in a relationship or dating, have to be of the same league?  Does looks really matter?  Does your status in society matter?

Well, yes.  I'm one of those girls who believes in fairy tales.  Who believes in a Happy Ending Story.  But I don't believe that a prince is just for a princess and the princess is just for the prince.  I know that love is not just the basis in a relationship but does looks and status in the society more important than love and trust?

Made him Stronger

Afte a month and a week of not seeing each other, Jaydee came home to Cebu to take a days off from work.  We had the whole Sunday, buying clothes and shoes and eating till our tummies can take.  After we shopped, played some games in timezone we went to Bo's Coffee shop to have a sip of hot coffee.  We chatted about so many things, catching up for those days that we were not together.  While I was watching the people around us, a question then hit me.  "Did it ever came into your life that you could get this far;  graduating into college, get a job that pays you decently which helps you to buy the things that you want to buy, enjoying and loving your work?"

I asked bhe2x that question and he immediately answered me with a NO.  He has never imagined that he could really get this far, honestly, he never really thought that he could graduate.  He is really so happy of what is happening in his life right now.  Then, a thought hit me.  This guy in front of me, despite of the hardships he had to take, you can't really see him complaining or saying that he wants to give up.  While on the other hand, me, whose life seems to be laid perfectly in front of me, is always complaining, and easily wants to give up and cry.  I am really afraid that when time comes that a real problem would come into my life, I can't really surpass it.  All I am hoping and praying is when tough time comes, I could surpass them and will also make me stronger.

Crush Crush

One afternoon, while me and Weng where chatting in skype, a topic was raised.  "Unsa ka ma crush Weng?"  Hahahaha!  Weng and I are already in our mid-twenties so gone are the days when we experience those moments wherein we will get kilig when a guy that we like/admire would pass by.

When I asked Weng that question, the two of then reminisce those times when we were still in high school and college.  I told her that when I like a certain guy, I can memorize the guy's voice, the sound of his footsteps, his back, well, almost everything.  Hahahaha.  But don't get me wrong, I'm not a stalker.  Hehehe!  I just memorized those details by observing him from afar.

Right now the only guys that keeps me drooling when I see them or hear their voices(aside from jaydee...wakekekekekek...) are Christian Bautista and Derek Ramsay.  When I told Weng that I get kilig everytime I hear Christian Bautista sing(esp. Beautiful Girl).  I feel like the song he is singing is dedicated to me.  Hahahahaha!  Weng's reaction was "ewwwww".  Hehehehe!  It is because she doesn't like Christian B.'s voice.  Hehehe!  Each of us really has his/her type of girl or guy.  Others may not understand why we like them.  Sometimes our friends and family tease us because we sometimes like those people whom they don't like or they don't find cute or beautiful or what, we sometimes don't care, as long as that guy or girl inspires us, it doesn't really matter.  Right?

So ikaw, unsa ka kung ma crush ka?  Hehehehe...

Mother's Day

Today, during mass.  The deacon mentioned on his homily on what good or bad memories we could remember about our mothers when we encounter a certain situation.

For me, everytime, I go down or up on an escalator, I can remember the time when me, my mom and my sister went to Gaisano Metro.  We were going down the escalator so that we could go home already.  i don't know what happened to me and my sister at that time, but we got scared in riding the escalator.  Hahahaha!

Another is, everytime I see our old "Bible for Children" copy, I can remember, those times when me and my sister were still little girls.  We were still sleeping in banig, at time.  Every night, before we go to sleep, mama would read one story from the bible.  She's really a good storyteller.  If here were times that she was not around because she went to an out of town seminar, we would ask papa to tell us a story.  But mama still is the best storyteller for me.

I may not be the little girl that mama used to tell bible stories, or the little girl she hugs and kisses every night, but I will still be the Hannah, who loves her so much.  I Love You Mama.

Sharing and Caring: That's Love

I always have this feeling that I don't know how to love someone.  that I am not capable of loving or caring a person.

Yes, I feel sad when I see a child on the street I see a child on the street, so dirty and you can really see it in their eyes their hunger for food and love and the pains they have suffered in life.  But at the back of my mind I also get angry angry to their parents for being so stupid and not thinking of the consequences of their actions.  I know it's not caring, it's just pity and I don't really do anything to help those kids thinking that those kids are under a syndicate.  Or if I'm going to give them money, their parents would also continue to take advantage of the fact that there are still people who are kind hearted to their children to give them some money.

Aside from that, I am also having a hard time showing my sympathy and care to other people when they're sick or when they're sad.  I don't know how to react to those situation.  But I know that I can give a good advice to other people and offer any help if I could.

I don't know how to show my love and affection to the people who are close to me and to my family.  I admit it, I am selfish. Who's not?  (Aside from the saints of course.)  Maybe this is one of the reason why I don't have a lot of friends.  Because they can see in me that I am not a compassionate person.  But if I want to, sometimes, I can be a very sweet person.  Hehehehe!

Just Got Lucky

After how many times me and bhe2x played the UFO game in SM, we finally won.  Yehey!  I won the mickey mouse while he won the minnie mouse stuff toy.  Hehehe!  We tried several times again after we've won but unfortunately, we did not.  :(

Thank You for Loving Me

Having been hurt for so many times whether in love, friendship or whatever the type of relationship it is, I always have this doubt in trusting other people.  I have also this feeling that I would never find another person that would love me in return.  Until Jaydee came into my life.  He was the one who thought me how to really love other people who are not related to you unconditionally.  He was the one who thought me how to love and trust again.  Well, he was the only person who had the patience to understand my being so childish.  Hehehe!  It is really a nice feeling knowing that even if i am not a perfect person, that I have so many flaws, somebody who is so kind has love me and accepted me for who I am.  It is really too good to be true.  Even if others may say that we are not really a good match.  For me, we are.

Thanks bhe2x for coming into my life.

P.S.  Sorry for being so cheesy and sentimental for this past few days.  Hehehehe!

Thank God I found You

Me: Bhe, I'm so depressed.  I want to cry.
Bhe2x: Why man?
Me: I feel so alone and lonely.
Bhe2x: You have me man.

In times that I feel so depressed, so alone and lonely I am really grateful that Jaydee is always there by my side to cheer me up.  Thanks Bhe2x for always there for me even if I am so maldita and unreasonable na kaayo.

I Remember the Boy but I Don't Remember the Feeling

So while the song still brings that certain glow
And the words still sing of love I know
It isn’t quite the way it was before
I remember the boy
But I don’t remember the feeling anymore

 I was listening to the music playing from my cellphone when the song "I Remember the Boy" by Lea Salonga was played.  I then ask myself, "who would I remember when I hear that song being played?"  And the answer is Mikki.

Mikki was one of my classmate when I was still in my very yagit years(elementary years).  Hehehe!  We've been classmates since kindergarten until grade 3.  He was one of those many boys who you take for granted and you ignore because of there being so "kiatan".  But little did you know, he is doing those stuffs purposely so that he could get your attention.

Imagine that, an elementary boy, having a crush on you? Hahahaha!  While you still have no idea about love, here comes a little boy, who then gives you gifts and love letters to tell you what he really feels.  Nyahahaha!

I can still remember those times, where my classmates would tease me because Mikki will ask one of my boy classmates to hand me a love letter that he has written(which he just copied from a poem or a song lyrics...hehehehe...)  Of course, the little me back then, would get kilig.  Nyahahaha!  Mikki continued to send me love letters and stuffs till we got into high school(even if we didn't go to the same school anymore).  He would still ask one of my classmate, but this time a girl, to give me the gifts he wants to give to me.

You would think that I'm so mean, that I didn't say yes to him and I just made paasa.  Of course not.  We eventually became a couple.  But because we are still so immature and childish at that time, eventually, we broke up.  But we are still friends.  If we do see each other.  Hahaha!  I don't know where he is now.  The last time I heard about him, he already have a daughter but the mother of his child left him.  And my grade 1 teacher(his grandma) already died.

I wonder, where he is now.

Think...Think...Think...

I told bhe2x jaydee earlier that I want to go on a picnic with him.  That I will cook for him for the said picnic.  He already said yes.  The problem now is that, I don't know what would I cook.

Earlier, I was thinking of making sandwiches, cook fried chicken and spaghetti.  But now, I'm not sure anymore. :(  The only thing I know is that I want to spend more time with him now before he will go to Bohol to work.

Maps

I saw this picture in one of the many blogs that I follow.  And the words on the picture really did struck me.  How I really wish my heart had a map so that I could tell where to go.  So that I won't have a hard time knowing on whom to love or not.(the only downside is if I don't know how to read a map...nyahahahaha...)

Not just my heart but also my mind.  How I wish it has also a map so that I would know the right decisions to make.  But I know that that would really be impossible and life would be so boring because stumbling is part of life and it makes life exciting. (charing...hehehehe...)

Thank You

Thank You...  Those are just two simple words but if it's being said by the person whom you have just made really happy would become a very special words.  Sometimes, I tend to forget to say thank you to those people who really made an effort to make me happy, to make me feel that I am special and cared.  But it doesn't  mean that I am being ungrateful.  I just sometimes forget to say those words especially when I am being overwhelmed by my feelings, of the happiness that I felt.  I'm not really good in expressing my feelings in words. Hehehe.  So, for those people that I might have hurt because I forgot to say thank you, I'm sorry.  I did not meant to hurt you. I am really thankful for everything.  I really hope that people won't misunderstood me.  :)

Well, I'm not just writing this article to say thank you and I'm sorry to those people who has been so generous and kind for making me happy.  I am also writing this article to say thank you to those people who really make an effort to read my blog.  It is really a nice feeling, knowing that somebody reads the stuffs you are writing.  I'm not really that proud of all the things that I am writing here.  But still it really makes you feel good everytime somebody tells you of what they felt after they have read the article that I have just wrote.

So special thanks to JP, Cocoy and Kring2x for taking some time in reading my blog.  Hehehe.  I hope you won't get tired reading it.  THANK YOU! :)

Peace Offering

Last week, me and Jaydee had a really rough week.  We did not fight but it was really the roughest week that we had in our four-year old relationship.  It is because I've done something that had really hurt him.  I did it not because to hurt him or to make avenge of all the times that he made me cry.  I just done it.  I can't stop my feelings you know.  Because of what I've done, he suddenly realize of how much pain he has caused me for the past months.  He suddenly felt what I have felt for those months that he did not seem to care of what I am feeling.  


Before we had our dreaded talk, he asked me first if I wanted to buy a stuffed toy.  I told him no because I know his view of me buying toys for myself.  So he dragged me to Metro Ayala Department store and made me choose on what teddy bear I want to buy.  While looking at those teddy bears, an idea came to me.  Instead of buying a teddy bear, I should just buy a doll house. (hehehehe...)  I was really so excited while choosing the doll house.  I was really like a small kid at that time with his father on his side. (hahaha...)  I guess we really needed that time before having our serious talk.  Because of that, everything was cleared and we are happy again.

One Wish Was Made Come True...

On my post "What I Want this Christmas" I mentioned ten things that I wanted to receive this Christmas.  One of the wish is that someone will give me a "Turtle/Tortoise Stuff Animal":.  I have so many stuff animals, some of those I bought personally and some are gifts from my friends and loved ones.  But I never really had a "Turtle/Tortoise Stuff Animal", well not until this month when I saw an array of turtle stuffed toy being displayed in 168 Mall in Colon.  Impulsively, I bought it.  Hahahaha...  But before that, I already posted on our bulletin on our office for my manito to buy it.  And guess what he really did give it to me.  Hehehehe.  And it is not just a mere small turtle stuffed toy, it is a humongous one.  Hehehehe...  I was one of the Mater's of Ceremony on our Christmas Party that night so when the manito/manita begun, I was infront of the stage telling the people whose table should be the first one to give their gifts and then Wally walk towards the stage carrying this huge box and Raymond was behind him carrying a camera to take a picture of me accepting the gift.  I did not open the gift immediately even though Corie was cheering for me to open it because I was still busy with my role as the emcee.  So when I went back to my table after the program was finished, again Corie,Jason and Raymond cheered for me to open the gift.  While I was unwrapping the gift, many people circled around us cheering.  Hahahaha...  I was really having a hard time unwrapping the gift because I was just using one hand, because I used the other one to hold my dress.  Hehehehe...  Thankfully my manito Wally was there to help me.  And so when he finally was able to open the gift, and the humongous turtle stuffed toy was revealed, I was really really happy that I immediately hug it.  It was so cute and cuddly.  Weeeeehhhh...   Words aren't really enough to describe how happy I was that evening.(yeah...mabaw kog kalipay...hahahaha...)  Thank you very much to Wally.  I now have another stuffed animal to hug every night.  Hehehehe.

Mishuu na...

Text conversation between me and my friend which we nicknamed shield...

Me : Bry...Hehehe! Good Evening... Wala lang samok2x lang ko...hehehe...

Bryan : Bleeh! Hahaha! Adik ai...

Me : Hehehe...Wala man gud koy lingaw gud maong nag samok2x ko nimo... Others nakay ka ha... hehehe... Mishuu Bry... Hahaha...

Bryan : Hala ngano gud others ko? When did that happen man daw? Gimingaw sad gani ko ninyo ug sa atong mga kaboang...hahaha...

Me : Hehehe! Wala lang others lang ka kay dili naman ka managad.

Bryan : Kay nagkita diay ta? Nakit.an ko nimo?

Me : Wala... Hahaha!!! Others lang ka... Hahaha...

Bryan : Hahaha Bleh Nyt diay daan mwuah...

Me : Nyt2x...Mwaaahugz...

That was the recent conversation that I had with one of my close friend Bryan.  The last time I saw him was when he went here in our office to borrow my Windows Vista OS installer.  But it was just a brief encounter.  He took the installer from me, chat for about 10minutes then went back to our jobs.  After that encounter, we did not see each other again, nor chatted in YM,FB nor texted each other.  It was just recently that I remembered that I have a friend named Bryan whom I really missed a lot.  Hahaha! Shame on me.  Hehehe!


Me and Bryan were friends since I was still a 3rd year college student.  We became friends because I was the president on our organization at that time and he was also one of the officers.  We became really close back then because of the so many problems that I have encountered at that time(those were really simple problems...but i always chicken out in confronting people... :( ) and it was Bryan who helped me alot.(while I was crying inside the chapel/CR, he was at the faculty office confronting our adviser and explaining things...hahaha...stupid me...hahaha...)  Bryan became my shield at that time, from the people around me and even from the heat of the sun.(he was so tall so we always hide from his back to hide from the heat of the sun...hehehe...)  He always complain about that and those times that I cry and run out of my problems, but nevertheless, he is still there for me and for retchel.  He is also one of the few people in our group of friends who can enter in Retchel and my world.  Well, me and Retchel are sort of geeks and kinda so full of imaginations, we kinda have our own world. hahaha.  And Bryan has the privileged to enter and understand it.  hehehe.


This Monday(November 22, 2010), me, Retchel and Bryan agreed that we will meet in Abellana Sports Complex to jog and bond at the same time. (Most of the time it will be me and Retchel who will jog side by side while Bryan will leave us to practice. He is a runner.)  I'm really so excited to see two of my closest friends.  I really hope it won't rain.  :)

10 Things I Hate About You

Don't get me wrong, I do love my sister.  But there are just a few things that makes me hate her.

1.) I hate you when you tell ridiculous things about me infront of your friends/family to make me embarrased.


2.) I hate you when you criticized the boys that I like.  You always find faults on them.


3.) I hate your being so greedy.  You always want everything to be yours.


4.) I hate your being so selfish.  You always think of yourself first.  You don't think if someone else will be hurt or has been hurt because of what you have done.


5.) I hate you for being so bossy.  


6.) I hate you for always comparing yourself to me.


7.) I hate you for always criticizing me.  It seems that you really want to put me down.


8.) I hate your being so loud.


9.) I hate you for always asking me to make chip-in in what you will buy.


10.) I hate your being so materialistic.