Invisible Girl

The last time I checked myself in the mirror, I am certainly sure I am not invisible.  But why is it that people doesn't seem to see me or notice me when I'm around.  I'm not saying that I want their attention.  All I'm saying is that, when I talk, please do listen to me.  It really hurts when I talk and nobody listens or want to hear the ideas that I want to partake.  It hurts when people just walk in front of you as if your not there.  The worst part? They sometimes step on your foot or bump on you and not asking for sorry.

I'm not asking for you to remember me or what.  All I want is for you to consider to hear my voice when I talk and to not just step on me as if I am not human or I don't have the right to be there.  :((

Filling that Emptiness

Loneliness by Laura Pausini

I don't even know if he still thinks of me
Once he got on board that unforgiving train
I imagine that he whiled away the time
Through the cold gray morning and the city rain

Thinking of somebody else who'll run to him
Who'll ask him did you miss me, maybe now and then
Laughing he'll say well he met this funny girl
But just a summer think he won't see her again

Oh God I hope I'm wrong
But I'm not feeling very strong
I've been so up and down so sad
So happy, feeling good and bad
I'm young I'm old I laugh I cry

I tell the truth but that's a lie
I've been so in and out so wild
So well behaved so pure defiled oh solitudine
That word I hate to say

And no I was not crazy to do what we did
I even wish I'd been a bit more crazy still
And kept a little more of him to see me through
He loved me all he could I never had my fill

And then I'm back inside my room he knows so well
I feel again the way he moved I take it slow
I talk to him and he becomes a part of me
And then I know he'll never let the summer go

Oh God I hope I'm right

I won't give in without a fight
And I can take the words they throw
At me for none of them could know

That we had something very few
Will ever find their whole life through
I wouldn't change a single day
Although the price I have to pay is solitudine

The loneliness is tearing me apart
It tears me up it pull me down and then
It wraps around my heart oh solitudine
Does he remember all he said to me
I've been so up and down so sad
So happy feeling good and bad

I'm young I'm old I laugh I cry
I tell the truth but that's a lie
I've been so in and out so wild
So well behaved so pure defiled oh solitudine

Does he remember all he said to me
And I can take the words they throw
At me for none of them could know

That we had something very few
Will ever find their whole life through
I wouldn't change single day
Although the price I have to pay is solitudine

Ikaw, Kanino ka Bumabangon?

For the past weeks or maybe past months and up until now, waking up every morning to go to work is really hard for me.  Is it my job?  Or is it just me?

Then I asked myself, who is my reason or what are my reasons in waking up everyday and strive hard?  And when I enumerate the people who inspires me and the reason why I work hard, why is it that I still am having a hard time waking up every morning to go to work?

Haist!  Hope I could really find that reason.

Reblog

Saw this photo on my friend's blog.  It reminded me of myself so I posted it here.

Sea of Sadness

I wan to cry.  I want to shout.  I am just so sad.

Missing My High School Days

I was reading Bedroom blog by Veronica in cosmo.ph, and she narrated her high school days on her blog.  I then beginning to reminisce those days when I was still in high school.  But sad to say, yes there were also happy moments but most of them were sad and painful.

I can still remember I was one of the few students who were being bullied by those girls who have their own clique and were popular.  They would give me a mean look everytime I don't succumb to their every wish to make them copy my assignments or during exams.  I was also one of those girls who only have little friends because I was not cool enough to be in a group.  Yes I admit it, I was a nerd back then up until now.  I won't deny it.  Because that's who I am.

I had also had a few friends back in high school.  But unlike the others, whom they still communicate until now.  The connection with those so called friends that I had just cut-off right after graduation day.  I don't know if I was at fault or the universe just doesn't want me to have a normal teenage life.

I was always inside the library or inside the classroom reading a book during lunch time while the others were making chikka and playing outside.  After class, I always go straight home just like my parents asked me to do.  I wonder, if I spent those lunch times and after class hours making friends with my classmates and schoolmates, would I have earned more friends and have gotten a true friend?

I think not.  People usually are having a hard time entering my world.  And sometimes I am also having a hard time to relate to other people.  So far, I can only count those people that I considered my true friend, just like how easy I can count the fingers on my hands. 

Ligid Ligid...

I really hate myself.  You know why?  I just wasted two days of my life doing nothing(just fb-ing,watching tv, eating and sleeping) all day long.  I really hate it.  Instead of doing stuffs that are productive, I just goofed around the house.  Haist.  I hope that next weekend, I won't do the same mistake again.

It's So Not Fair...

For the past days I've been so angry with bhe2x jaydee.  I seldom text him and when he calls, I always made it a point to make him feel that I am mad at him.  Sometimes, I don't answer his calls at all.

But just today, when he came in our house to visit me, even though I want to resist it, to smile at him, to hug him and kiss him.  I can't really make it.  I can't resist forgiving him, for what he has done, for the past few days.  It's so unfair.

True Calling

I've been experiencing both ups and downs of my life this past few months.  I have experienced not doing much in work and still I've been payed for that.  Then the worst of that, I've been promoted.  And yet, I can't really feel that I've grown as a programmer.  I never really learned a lot with the almost three years that I've worked.

After I have been promoted, I've been given so much work which made me grateful, for now I can feel that I am needed.  But it is also the reason why I always get so frustrated and disappointed.  It is also the reason why I am starting to ask myself whether I should be a programmer or should I wake up and just face the reality that my calling is not here.

I'm confused and afraid.  I want to find that something that could really make me say "this is my dream, this is what I want to do till I grow old".  And yet, I also don't want to step out of my comfort zone.  I want to continue doing what I am doing right now so that I won't put my life in chaos and also to do another stuff that could also make me really happy.

Wish I could smile again just like a child does.  Wish I could be just like a child again, so innocent and pure.  Wish I could be like a child again, who has nothing to worry about.

Then What?

Everytime we know someone who's close friend, family member, special someones are going some place far far away(hehehe...owver), we always bugged that person with the questions: "Are you okay with that?", "Niya gimingaw naka niya?", "Ning hilak ka pag lakaw niya?".  To tell you people, these are really so annoying.  (grrrr!)  Yes, we will surely miss those people who we won't see that much like before or we won't see at all.  But hey, do we really have to ask so many questions?  Do we really have to see that person's world crushed down and cry hard till his/her lungs will come out?  Isn't it enough that we know that he/she will be sad that a friend of her's/his' will leave?  Do we really have to add to the pain that he/she is feeling?

Jealous of the Old Me

I logged on to my friendster account and found this old photo of me.  This was taken on our graduation ball when I was on my 4th year in high school.  Sigh!  How I wish I could be this thin and eye-bag free again.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

I always come across some reading materials or men saying that they can't fathom what women are thinking sometimes.  It's a wonder why men and women do fall inlove with each other.  Hehehe.  But I'm not going to talk about love.  That's just my introduction.  Hehehe.

A certain person has always been telling me that I have been "maldita" or mean nowadays.  Hehehe.  I always tell that person that I haven't really change a bit.  But the truth is, I have.  I'm really like this when I miss the person or when I'm going to miss the person.  It's my not so obvious way of making lambing to the person.  Hahahaha!

So, to you, sorry if I'm being so mean to you this past few days.  Hehehehe!

Somewhere Down The Road

We had the right love
At the wrong time
Guess I always knew inside
I wouldn't have you for a long time

Those dreams of yours
Are shining on distant shores
And if they're calling you away
I have no right to make you stay

But somewhere down the road
Our roads are gonna cross again
It doesn't really matter when
But somewhere down the road
I know that heart of yours
Will come to see
That you belong with me

Sometimes good-byes are not forever
It doesn't matter if you're gone
I still believe in us together
I understand more than you think I can
You have to go out on your own
So you can find your way back home

And somewhere down the road
Our roads are gonna cross again
It doesn't really matter when
But somewhere down the road
I know that heart of yours
Will come to see
That you belong with me
Letting go is just another way to say
I'll always love you so

We had the right love
At the wrong time
Maybe we've only just begun
Maybe the best is yet to come
'Cause

Somewhere down the road
Our roads are gonna cross again
It doesn't really matter when
But somewhere down the road
I know that heart of yours
Will come to see
That you belong
With me

Heartaches of a girl

I guess I was wrong.  But I hope and I pray that I'm not.  I will hold on till the end that I am not.  I still want to believe that everything that I believe is right.  I don't care what other people will say, as long as I know the truth.  As long that I know that I'm not doing bad, that can hurt anyone else.  I will still believe in you 'coz you are my friend.  I trust you that you won't hurt me 'coz I still consider you as my friend.  I hope everything will be back from the way it was before.

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I want to cry till the pain will go away.  I want to shout till my lungs will run dry, if this is the only way that I won't feel the pain in my heart again.

Can't We Just be Friends?

When I was in college I joined an organization in our school called Campus Ministry.  The people in that organization became my second family, my confidant in the school and the office were we usually hang-out became my second home.  I treated them just like a real brothers and sisters.  Little did I know that some of those people that I have considered as my "Kuya" are taking my actions differently.  It came to a point that one of my "Kuya" took a bold step to court me.  He sent me gifts and leeters anonymously.  Even my other ate's and kuya's who knew who sent me those stuffs won't even tell me.  So I did not able to stop what he was doing right from the very beginning.  But at the time that he already revealed himself I immediately told him that I only consider him as my Kuya and that nothing can ever change that.  I told him that I appreciate what he has done and am thankful for what he felt for me.  I thought that after our talk he will then stop.  But he did not.  He still sent me gifts and his treatment for me is still special.  So again, I confronted him about it.  And now, his not talking to me anymore. =(  


Unfortunately, another kuya of mine is trying to make a move with me.  Well, this wasn't the first time that he told me that he like me.  He already told me about his feelings for me before we graduated in college.  Thankfully, he did not court me that time because he knew what happened to the last time that a certain kuya has courted me.  He also doesn't want to ruin our friendship.  But recently after we had dinner together with the CCYM family, he then told me about his feelings.  Every now and then, he would tell me that he misses me and he loves me.  I don't want our friendship to be ruined.  I want to confront him but I'm afraid that if I do that, he would also hate me like what happened to my other kuya.  


Because of those incidents, a question popped into my mind.  Can't a man and a women just be friends?  Isn't it possible that both of them will never fall inlove with each other?  Isn't it possible that other people will not put some malice when they see 2 people in opposite sex so close?  Can't they really be just friends?

Rantings...

I've been trying to be part in a world where I don't belong.  Hoping that someday people will accept me, will welcome me.  I'm alone, lonely and lost.  No one to talk to.  No one to run to.  Should I continue to be here Or should I give-up in trying?  But I don't know where to go.  If I give-up now, I know that wherever I go things will just be the same.  So I'll just be the invisible girl for now.

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Support?  You want me to support you?  I can't do that.  I can't even manage my own life.  I easily give-up when something bad comes in the way.  I still have lots of things to worry about.  And the last thing I want to do is to worry other people's life.  You don't need me.  I can't help you.  You alone can help yourself.

One Sunday Afternoon

Yesterday, November 08, 2010, Sunday, me and bhe2x Jaydee agreed to watch the movie of Kim Chui and Gerald Anderson's Till My Heartaches End.  You might ask, why we chose to watch that movie yesterday of all the nice movies that was showed on the movie house.  Well, the answer is because bhe2x wanted me to learn something from that movie.  And that is also the reason why I'm writing this entry.  He wanted me to write what I've learned from that movie and what I felt while watching the film.  Hehehe!

I can't really deny the fact that there were really a bunch of episodes and lines from the movie wherein I can really relate.  Just like the episode wherein Bangs Garcia her boyfriend were talking.  Her boyfriend told her that everytime they have a fight, Bangs would immediately post it facebook.  Letting the world know what she was feeling and what her boyfriend did.  Hehehe.  I'm guilty with this.  I won't deny that.  Hahaha!  I can't help it sometimes.  I need an outlet sometimes wherein I can release my anger and frustrations.  I don't really have a lot of friends where I can run to and tell them all the things I want to say.  And sometimes, if I tell it to Jaydee personally, he doesn't seem to understand what I feel or he doesn't want to hear it out.  That's why I just post it in facebook where he has no choice but to read it.  Hahaha!  That's also my way of making him sorry for what he did.  Hahaha.  Mean me. Hahaha!

Another part of the movie wherein I was guilty of doing is when Gerald was becoming so busy with his work wherein to the point that he can't text or call Kim anymore.  And Kim on the otherhand will bombard Gerald's phone with text messages asking him of his whereabouts or call him every 30 minutes.  I know that ones a person gets very busy, they sometimes tend to forget little things like texting or calling those people who would really be getting worried.  If I was in Gerald's place, I would really be annoyed if somebody will send me a gazillion text messages demanding for my whereabout or of what I am doing.  But hey, wouldn't you also be annoyed if you were in Kim's shoes?  You will wait for how many hours, will be so worried as to why on earth not a single text message was sent to you telling you that he is/will be very busy with work.  Hello! Does texting "I'm busy right now." to a person will take you forever?

I'm not perfect and I know so is Jaydee.  I know I tend to overreact on some situations sometimes.  But this is me.  I'm really a drama queen.  I also know that even if Jaydee and I are commited with each other, it doesn't mean that it should only be the two of us.  That we will stop seeing our friends and just spend our time with each other.  I completely understand that.  But you can't blame me if sometimes I tend to be so selfish of his time.  If I only want that his spare time should only be spend with me.  As I have said, I only got a few friends and I'm also not that close with my family.  That's the reason why I always seek for Jaydee's attention.  But I'm really trying hard not to build my entire life with him.  I'm now trying to spend some time with my friends and meet new friends.

Honestly, while watching the movie, I was really angry and annoyed because every episode that Jaydee knows that I am guilty of doing, he then tease me and say "Awa! Awa! Mura jug bhe2x... Bhe2x jud kaau."  It seems that we where watching the movie to point out all the bad things I have done.  I know sometimes I'm being unreasonable and stubborn but is it really all my fault?  Is that what this is all about?

Uncertainties in Life

I've been living in this world for over twenty-three years but I can't still say that I already know myself as much as the people with same age around me can tell themselves.  I still have this doubt whether I am chasing the right dream and living the life that I really want.  I am still questioning myself everyday whether I am meant to walk on the path that I am walking right now or should I follow the other path.  But everytime the thought of going into the other path comes into my mind, I shiver, I get more confused and afraid.  Afraid that when I go there, I might regret it in the end.


I am a coward.  I know.  But I know I'm not alone.  But I also know that it is not an excuse for me to continue being a coward.  Sooner or later, I should step up and make a very important decision as to what I really want to do with my life.  With God's guidance, I will surely be able to choose the right path.  I believe that whatever I am going to choose, even if I weill encounter some problems or difficulties along the way, I'm sure that everything has its own reasons and that it will just past. That the blessings or the dream come true that I have longed been waiting for will finally knock on my door or even on the window. hehehehehe! 

Clothes...

Covering of the human body to cover the private parts and so that our body will be protected from the heat of the sun and from the cold, has started since the time of Adam and Eve.  It never mattered back then whether you cover your body with leaves, or animal skins. 

Nowadays, several styles of clothings have already emerged.  And so people such as fashionista and kikay was born.  Clothes sometimes represents for who and what you are and from where you're from.

People wear different styles and textures of clothes depending on what they feel, what they like, and where they are going.   For me,  I wear the clothes that I like to wear on that day.  I don't care whether it is out of style or what.  But what I don't understand is why do some people always give bad comments on what you wear.  Don't get me wrong.  I do appreciate people telling me that what I'm wearing does not suit me because it makes me look fat or makes me look like a pregnant woman.  What I don't understand is if it they won't give you a complement or a criticism that is a constructive one, why comment at all?  Like,  if you are wearing a red shirt,  they will tell you "Happy Birthday".  So what if a person will wear a red shirt?  Does it have to be your birthday for you to have the right to wear a red shirt?

My point is, if you have nothing good to say, better yet, don't talk at all.  I think every person has his right to wear what he/she wants to wear as long as it is clean and it smells good.